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Subject:never
Time:09:55 pm
Current Mood:crushedcrushed
ever going to be good enough.

never going to be pretty enough

never going to be skinny enough


never going to be a wife in a loving home

never going to walk down that aisle and see the face I have waited for 9 years to see light up


never going to have a whole heart again.

never going to be good enough.

never going to be who or what he needs.


never going to have my heart back.
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Time:06:12 pm
Current Mood:crushedcrushed
this is from last week, read end of post for todays update


Friday after school Tom said Emily was acting strange and I thought maybe it was just the nervous excitement of going back to cheer after 2 months off. I went next door to talk with a friend for a bit and watched as Emily practiced her cartwheels/round offs and stretched out, ran around for awhile etc. Then we left for cheer , she was so happy to be back and they started learning the new routine the first day back.. her smile was awesome. Then it hit, after class she just got this panic look on her face and said she couldn't see. I thought she was feeling faint or something so sent her to get Powerade and sit for a bit while I talked with her coach/other moms. We left the room and went outside and she was really whiny, then she started crying which is unlike her.. so we got in the car and decided to head to the urgent care. I went to 2 and they were closed ( at like 8 pm wth kind of Urgent Care is that???) So then she was not breathing right and she started jerking around on her right side... I started to freak and consider pulling over and calling 911 but we were less than 10 from the ER so I kept going. We got there and they took her in without blinking, started an IV to draw blood and give her meds. They took her off for a CT scan to make sure she didn't have a head injury etc. I had no clue what was going on when the Dr. came in and said they needed to transport her to Childrens Hospital FL in Orlando. So we take the ambulance ride there.. finally after a bunch more tests she goes to her room at about 6 AM and we attempt "sleep". 8 AM and out for more neurological tests.. they attach a bunch of things all over her head and run EEG, not once but twice ( can't wait to see what this costs). Then they send her back to her room. Wait, wait, wait.... a Dr. comes in and tells us we can probably go home that day she's pretty sure she has the same seizure disorder I do and was gonna give her the same RX I take. Then the neuro tests came back negative so the Dr was like that makes no sense, we witnessed her seizure activity. They decide to start looking somewhere else for the cause and tell us she'll be staying until they have an answer. I was just exhausted and starving.. I'm still beyond exhausted because I can't even sleep at home. ANYWAY they run an EKG ( really an ECG but most people call it an EKG). The results are completely telling. She has Long QT Syndrome. They run it over and over to be sure and the results are 100% each time. This disease has no cure, her heart does not recharge the right way.. I'll post a link at the end of the blog because all the medical wording makes my head spin. If you want to understand read the link please. Basically the deal is.. she's dying right now every time she has a siezure or faints. She will need surgery in the next few weeks to implant a defibulator to try and combat the electrical issues in her heart when it doesn't recharge on it's own. Her version of this disease is very severe, we will be spending the coming weeks at many Dr appts, specialists and it looks like I will be dropping my schooling again until life calm down in our house.My heart is broken....my daughters spirit is broken and she is scared. There is nothing I can tell her to make it better. She loved cheer and now she is limited to ... NO physical activities etc. I don't know what to do for her and I cannot lie to her. She asked me if she was going to die yesterday and I couldn't answer her because I don't know.

I'm sorry if you've called and I haven't answered. I don't have any energy and I'm heading back to deal with more Dr's when I'm done typing this.

this is her Cardioloigists site, he said it would answer family/friends questions that I can't answer right now.

http://www.carson-appleton.com/long_qt_syndrome.htm
















update as of 3/5/09


Emily will be having surgery on her heart the first week of April. She needs a defibulator. We are in debt over 30 grand right now without the surgery or the entire amount of bills. Life is falling apart a bit.. obviously financial issues can ruin a relationship with the quickness so I am trying to embrace my daughters grim chance at living past 15 and getting out of my 9 year relationship. I am lonely,scared and broke. Welcome to back to single parenthood Amber. I am praying my relationship can be saved and that if God shows mercy he wont take my child. As great as she is I am not ready to let go and share her.


I haven't seen my mom or any family since May. I miss my friends.. I miss Ash. Life is spinning out of control.I want my daughter to be better... I can't fix her. How do you live after a child dies? Is there anyway to heal your heart? I feel like I can't prepare for this. I need some help... is anyone there?
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Subject:fl rules.
Time:06:43 pm
Current Mood:ecstaticecstatic
new car!!
BMW M3!!!


omg it's sick!!


new washer ( blue front loaders) dryer, stainless convection and stove, awesome stainless fridge will be here tomorrow, counter people middle of thew week, new bamboo floor starts this week and the roofers should be here next week.


holy shit the house is gonna be siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!! I LOVE FLORIDA.
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Current Music:I'm with you - Avril Lavigne
Current Location:Oviedo FL
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Subject:real happiness
Time:11:03 am
Current Mood:accomplishedaccomplished
Living in FL is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

We have a large house that is OURS, Tom is working a great job while I am going back to school in August.The next few weeks the house will be CRAZY and ripped up by roofers, floor people,new storm windows, counter tops, new aplliances etc all because the seller wasn't truthful and the real estate attorney made it happen :p I can't wait to get my mom out here, next year she is gonna buy a small condo near us and get away from all the idiots in CA. I love it here, I'm never going back to CA even to visit. Our home is BEAUTIFUL, the neighborhood is amazing and having the HOA watching everyones ass helps make sure nobody gets lazy and lets their house look shitty.


These are my dreams coming true. My kids are living somewhere safe, our finances are good, Emily is blossoming into a beautiful girl and we left all the negatives behind

HOORAY for new starts, hope, good family support and never giving up on true love.
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[icon] All the things you don't want to know
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